Don't get it twisted.

verylittlebird:

a magician asks you to pick a card - any card, in fact. you do. they ask you to put the card back in the pack - anywhere in the pack, in fact. you do. they walk away. ten years later, your wife gives birth to the six of clubs. “is this your card?” the midwife asks, in a familiar voice.

thebootydiaries:

(bad thing happens)

me: wtf i don’t deserve this

(good thing happens)

me: …

me: wtf i don’t deserve this

yiffpunk:

scumfuckus:

tom-spanks:

remember when u were like 11 and the only thing u wanted was a lava lamp

sylveongender:

randomslasher:

mycatstail:

egg-tampon:

back in my day we didn’t call it “shitposting”, we called it “nightblogging” and blamed the australians

I’ve been on this god forsaken website for too long.

I literally had the sensation of being slammed back in time just now

nowadays we make bad content all day

lieutenant-sapphic:

the-pesci-mode:

acoolguy:

he’s licking his lips…

he’s checking it twice…

Five minutes left, on his microwave rice

Now they’re going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it’s all in my head

I somehow read in the tone of Santa clause is coming to town, going the distance by cake, and mr. bright side all at the same time

thebootydiaries:

person: caffeine raises ur anxiety levels

me: *hands shaking, heart pounding* okay, that sounds fake but… okay

scotchtapeofficial:

some ppl who grew up with siblings didnt rly Grow Up With Siblings. like if you and your brother are 10 yrs apart u just dont get it… if you had siblings within 3yrs of your age you had the genuine experience of primitive undeveloped human brains pummeling the shit out of each other because none of us have developed frontal cortices and the laws of man don’t apply in the confines of this house

klapollo:

imagine not loving this man unironically. couldn’t be me

hpinfalsettoland:

futurelegendladystardust:

me smoking weed: this is going to fix everything